What should I take when I move Mom to assisted living?

Dear Grassflower: I’m planning this month to move Mom to assisted living. Previously, she and Dad lived in a 1500 sq. ft. house, but the rooms at assisted living are only about 250 sq. ft. She’s already allowed me to clear out some of her stuff in preparation for the move, but I don’t know how I’m going to reduce everything she owns by 6x! Please help!

– Alice B., Nebraska

My mother-in-law used to have a saying…

“It’s like stuffing 10 pounds of flour into a 5-pound sack.” The truth is, you’re not going to get all of Mom’s belongings into her new place. So don’t try.

What MIGHT make it easier is that you actually don’t have to move all her stuff. Why?

If Mom knows she’s moving

There’s a good chance that if Mom’s still “with it” enough to still be part of the process, she hasn’t thought about all that stuff in the attic or the garage for years. She’s never had time to sort through it, and now she not only has time but HELP.

So start by geting rid of belongings that are not treasures.

People tend to accumulate possessions as they age. Sometimes, it’s an award they won in the 8th grade, an old wedding ring that used to belong to Grandma, or a picture of a beloved dog from long ago. And those things still mean something. The 10-year-old instructions for the microwave Mom used to own? Not so much.

If Mom’s amenable to it, help her with spring cleaning, throw out the stuff she no longer treasures, and see if you can find a new home for some of the things you’re not actually ready to throw out. For instance, perhaps one of her children would like that big family dining table she won’t have room for. Or the grandfather clock that stood in the corner since you were twelve years old. Mom also won’t need the old lawnmower at assisted living, so maybe a grandson who’s settling into his first house might like it. Or sell it. Or give it away if it’s not worth enough to sell. Either way, Mom’s not going to use it. If Mom’s strapped for cash, look to liquidate some of her excess belongings at a garage sale.

For everything in the house, yard, and garage, decide whether it brings joy or is a burden, and lift Mom’s and everyone else’s spirits by unburdening her of things that aren’t treasured possessions that remind her of something important. 

I promise you she won’t recognize half the stuff you show her as you’re going through it.

If Mom doesn’t know she’s moving

On the other hand, if Mom’s pretty “past it” and well into dementia, there’s a good chance she doesn’t remember or recognize half of what she’s accumulated,

It’s pretty much the same rule in both cases, but in this one, what Mom does and doesn’t remember is part of her health problem, and one that’s made it impossible for her to continue living at home. So wait until she’s moved to figure out what to do with what’s in the rest of the house.

Instead, focus your attention on what Mom will need in the next few weeks to months while she’s at assisted living and you’re sorting things out as fast as you can. That’s long enough to put you in the mindset of packing for a transition from Summer to Fall or Fall to Winter. It’s also a long enough stretch of time for you to plan to get a 3-month refill on her meds, tend quickly to her finances, and finish sorting through the house. That will take you some time, and the last thing you want during that stressful period is to be traveling back and forth from Mom’s old house to her new place to bring her something you forgot.

Focus on the things Mom NEEDS, physically, psychologically, and emotionally. If she’s got the old photos of Dad, some warm sweaters, several changes of clothes, and a handful of her favorite books, she’ll probably do all right for a while. 

Then tell her you’re both going on a road trip together, and it will be fun, and that you’ve arranged for her to stay with friends for a little while and ask her what she wants to bring.

She’ll probably tell you what matters to her, and if she doesn’t, GUESS. Unless you threw something in the trash, you can get it out of storage or back from Aunt Betty later.

But what specifically should I bring?

Things Mom will probably need:

• Meds

• Cosmetics (f she’s appearance conscious)

• Toothbrush, toothpaste and other toiletries like soap or shampoo

• Any other personal or hygiene supplies assisted living won’t have on hand

• A few changes of clothes (underwear, day, night, and outside clothes)

• A way to pass the time (a few paperbacks, a cellphone game, etc.)

• Chargers for electronics she still knows how to use (e.g., cellphone, tablet computer)

• A handful of emotionally significant personal items

• Snacks

The same stuff you’d take on a road trip, basically. Remember, you’re moving Mom, you’re not moving her house.

Things Mom will NOT need for THIS trip, possibly ever:

• Furniture. If she really does have a favorite chair, you can go get it later and sneak it into her room when she’s out on a group field trip or something. If she recognizes it and asks about it, let her know that you knew she liked it and might want it while she was on vacation. DO NOT reference “home” or the move.

• Files. YOU are Mom’s file-keeper now.

• Silverware (unless the assisted living facility is only providing Mom with a bare “apartment” that they visit periodically to check on her).

• All those boxes and boxes in the attic she hasn’t needed for the last 10 years UNTIL now. Go sort through them when you have the time, and if they’re really something special, bring a handful of items from the boxes to look at with Mom some rainy afternoon.

• ANYTHING that was in the garage. You don’t need to bring spare light bulbs, pliers, or a screwdriver to the assisted living facility…you’re not the maintenance tech.

You get the idea.

In the end, you should be down to the clothes Mom wears regularly throughout the seasons, things that remind her of family and happy times, and a way to fix a snack when she doesn’t want to eat a large meal in the public dining room.

In time, she’ll settle in no matter how lightly you have to pack her bags.