My folks are getting swindled by a renter.

Dear Grassflower: After the last kids moved out, Mom and Dad have rented out the spare bedrooms along the lines of AirB&B. Recently, though, they were approached by a young woman who said she wanted to escape an abusive husband. She pays rent, but it’s a new crisis every week, often costing more than the rent. Dad’s a softie for sad stories, so he’s bought her groceries, blankets, and so on. Last week she asked Dad for $600 for car repairs. After he hesitated, I saw her lifting Dad’s credit card while he took a nap. Dad’s getting drained of cash, and it’s got to be a few thousand dollars by now. My folks are easy prey, and I’m trying to figure out how to stop the grifting. Please help.

~Colin, Beaverton OR

Is this elder abuse?

While the definition differs state-by-state, it’s broadly agreed that the physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse or exploitation, deprivation or neglect of the elderly constitutes elder abuse…except when it doesn’t. Essential to the definition of elder abuse is the notion of trust. It’s usually a charge leveled against caregivers, not renters, whom the law sees, along with your folks, as parties in a contract. A contractual relationship does not usually imply trust.

Which puts Mom and Dad in a squishy situation.

What’s worse, the dollar values involved determine what kind of crime has been committed. For instance, in Texas, if the renter hasn’t stolen more than $750, it’s probably only a misdemeanor.

Either way, it has to be stopped.

Getting Dad to see the reality

It’s probably going to be hard to get your “softie” Dad to see the reality of the situation. You can try convincing him that this woman’s costing him more than he takes in as rent, but he’s likely to say he feels obligated to help somehow. Or you could try pointing out to Dad that you saw his renter taking his credit card out of his wallet.

Dad’s either going to believe your or not. In fact, he may believe you but refuse to admit he’s made a mistake, because it’s not only embarrassing but questions his ability to make sound financial judgments. And that’s a serious matter for an aging parent—it goes right to their fear of losing independence.

It could be just a mistake, and maybe one he’ll learn from. Or it could be a sign of dementia.

What you can do right now

• You can call Dad’s credit card company and explain that charges made after the card was lifted were fraudulent.

• You can confront the renter in a non-threatening way and tell them that you saw them take Dad’s credit card, have already deactivated it, and that they have 24 hours to vacate the house or you’re calling the police.

• You can actually call the police. I’m not sure what they’ll do about it, but it doesn’t hurt to call—especially if the amount of theft is sufficiently large to qualify as as felony theft. NOTE: Think TWICE before offering to be a signatory on Dad’s credit card or bank accounts, as UNLESS you are his court-appointed Guardian, you may be liable for Dad’s debt.

• You can talk to Dad about Guardianship. It may be a little early if he’s not showing other signs of dementia or inability to carry on so-called activities of daily living, but it’s something you should be familiar with for when the time comes. It’s good to have THIS conversation early, while Dad’s still “with it” enough to understand what’s going on. Once he’s been diagnosed with dementia, it may be difficult to prove anything he signed is binding.

• Have Dad see a geriatric psychiatrist and get checked for dementia or other cognitive impairments.

Dementia and financial responsibility

People with dementia or other cognitive impairments may be—scratch that—probably are no longer mentally capable of honoring financial commitments. Once you can demonstrate Dad’s “not all there”, it will be easier to untangle him from exploitative billing arrangements and the like. UNTIL then, he’s most likely on the hook for whatever financial commitments he’s made, no matter how bad they are.

One way or another, though, your choices boil down to proving the renter committed a crime or violated the rental contract, that Dad’s being exploited or abused by the renter because of his age and vulnerability, or that Dad’s no longer actually capable of making financial decisions. Taking Dad to see the geri psych should be an early step, if not the first.

If Dad really is giving money or valuable possessions to strangers or criminals, it’s important to establish as quickly as possible that he’s not capable of making important decisions, so that you, Mom, or someone else trustworthy can take over the role of caregiver.