Sibs are “dumping” Mom on me while I’m already caring for sick, disabled husband.
Help! I grew up in a family of four kids. Mom needs dementia care and doesn’t have much savings, so we sibs debated who should take care of her. Since we agreed I’d take care of her, my husband’s contracted progressive neurological disorder. I work at home, which is why they suggested I care for Mom, but I don’t have the time or resources to take that on AND care for my husband. I feel awful, like I broke a promise, but I’m also at wit’s end. I can’t do it all!
First things first.
Your own sanity and mental health should be your first concern, then your husband’s, in that order. It sounds like taking care of him already takes a lot of time and creates a lot of stress, especially given that you’re the sole income-earner and don’t have a lot of free time. I don’t know exactly what condition he has, but based on your description, it sounds like he literally needs care and feeding.
What free time do you even have to take care of Mom? My guess is “none.”
What your siblings expect of you is partly a product of their worldview. It’s informed by their own experiences and knowledge or lack thereof. It sounds like one or more of them has come to the conclusion that you have more free time than you do, or are holding you to a deal you can no longer honor. So here’s a suggestion: tell them that. It’s likely to go one of two ways: either they’ll accept the new info and adapt their take on things, or they’ll double down on their position and insist that “a promise is a promise.”
The chances are pretty good that your declining to take care of Mom won’t be taken well. At best, one or more of your sibs will “explain” to you that “you have an extra room” or “you work at home, we all work in offices, so you’re the best choice.” What matters is that their suggestions may still not be the best choice for you, and you shouldn’t under any circumstances allow yourself to be intimidated into doing what you cannot do.
Because after yourself, you have a husband to take care of.
Mom comes second, and if you’re not able to care for her, you’re NOT ABLE, no matter how much your siblings fail to understand what it takes to care for someone with a progressive neurological disorder. The best you can do is explain that and tell them that you won’t be taking Mom in right now. Then as the shampoo bottle says, “lather, rinse, repeat.” Don’t change your story, don’t try to reason with unreasonable people, and don’t back down.
You’ll probably end up estranged from some of your siblings, and for that, I’m very sorry. Estrangement stings like alcohol on an open wound. But it’s not your job to make their lives easier.
Second things second.
Which brings us to the person in the list who comes AFTER you and your husband: Mom. You love your Mom and want what’s best for her in the circumstances. So what IS best for her in the circumstances. You mentioned that she doesn’t have a lot of savings, so the chances that she can stay in a top-tier dementia care facility for the rest of her life may not be great. But can she stay at adult day care while one of your other ever-so-busy siblings works their day job? Do any of them have a spare bedroom where Mom could stay at night? Or is the real reason they don’t want to handle Mom is that their lives occupy them? That’s okay, but let’s call it what it is.
Does your mom have any property that could be liquidated to pay for her care? Or is one of your siblings claiming that Mom’s old house “should go to me” because of some old promise or even language in her will? Mom’s not dead yet, so there’s no reason to just hand over her house to your brother or sister. Let’s say her house is worth $300,000. Even at $10,000 a month, that pays for 30 months of dementia care, which may buy everyone some time to think through Mom’s care rationally. Don’t take financial arguments from siblings about saving Mom’s assets (for them!) as a reason not to liquidate her house to take care of her.
When my mom had dementia, I quickly discovered that between her overpaying yard workers and accidentally ordering twelve copies of everything from Amazon (while she could still use her computer), she didn’t have as much savings as I thought she did. Even the estate sale paid for only another month of care. So ask: could Mom afford to stay at a less expensive, less all-inclusive facility that would stretch her assets a little farther? If the reason you’re being given for moving Mom into YOUR house is that she doesn’t have enough money, it’s certainly acceptable to look at her assets and see how far they’ll go. You’re not obliged to spend your own time and money to take care of Mom just so your sister can putter nostalgically around in the old homestead.
Who’s actually in charge?
I’ll cut to the chase. It’s either you or someone else. If it’s you—and by that, I mean you have guardianship, POA, etc.—then it’s YOUR decision what happens. If it’s one of your siblings, then it’s theirs. But EVEN THEN, that doesn’t mean they can just “dump” Mom on your doorstep. You can actually refuse to take her BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO (as you’ve already stated). There are absolutely no legal foundations for your siblings to unload this on you.
Let’s talk about feelings.
I’m sure you feel like if you don’t take Mom in when you can’t actually do it, somehow you’ve failed. Please don’t. Accepting the unacceptable when those imposing it on you not only have other choices but the agency to act on them is just letting yourself be a doormat.
BECAUSE you love Mom, it’s okay to talk about what her best options are. And because you care about your own sanity, it’s okay to rule out unacceptable choices. If your siblings can’t accept that, that’s their problem. They’ll probably try to MAKE it your problem by withdrawing love, attempting to intimidate you, and so forth, but that’s passive-aggressive manipulation; and it may be time to deal with them as the strangers they are choosing to be.
