Mom’s getting too much social stimulation.
As long as I can remember, Mom has been a social wallflower. She doesn’t like being in crowds—at all. Even at my wedding, she stayed close to people she already knew well and mostly just talked to them. I wouldn’t call her anti-social, but right next to it.
Three months ago, Mom’s dementia got bad enough that we had to move her to a dementia care facility. When my husband and I did the tour, the facility looked calm and sunny, with lots of quiet places that residents could sit alone and read a book, nap in the sun, etc. But now that she’s there, the staff are constantly bringing residents downstairs in the mornings for group exercise (tossing a balloon back and forth in a circle of chairs), breakfast in the dining room, and to watch TV in a dark room with a big screen TV.
Mom hates it. It gets her agitated and it takes hours to calm her down. The staff want to increase her meds so she doesn’t get so upset, but I think the problem IS the staff. Why can’t they just leave her in her room to enjoy peace and quiet?
Adjust Mom’s social arrangements.
Is your mom happy when she’s NOT in these overstimulating social environments?
Your mom doesn’t HAVE to participate in events just because the staff says so…and if the staff insists on doing things that agitate her, then maybe that facility’s not right for your mom.
Start by talking to the manager of the facility. Make sure they know that your mom doesn’t want all the group activity and is fine when she’s not exposed to it. Give them a chance to make things right. And if they can’t—or won’t—then let them know that you’ll be looking for a new place for your mom. I imagine they’ll miss the several thousand dollars a month they’re receiving for her care, so that conversation should get their attention. If it doesn’t, then they clearly have so many applicants that they can afford to blow off taking care of the residents they have…and is that really the kind of place you want to do business with?
Find a better place.
It’s possible you didn’t have much of a choice when finding a place for Mom. Sometimes there’s a shortage of facilities that deliver good eldercare, especially dementia care. It could take some time to find a place that “fits” Mom’s preferences and has room for her. Some things to consider:
Get Mom stabilized first. Traditional nursing homes can have an overly bright, noisy “hospitaly” feel. When my mom could no longer live at her home in Mississippi, my husband and I moved my mom to Dallas so we could take better care of her. At the time we made the move, there was only one place open that could take her in her condition: somewhat mentally impaired and barely able to walk after a recent fall. We knew she wouldn’t like it, but we didn’t have much choice. If your mom’s not happy where she is, don’t second-guess your choice of the existing facility—it’s not working for her, so start looking for a new place for her right away.
Find the right facility first, even if it means compromises. You already know your mom likes quiet places without crowds, so look for dementia care facilities that house no more than half a dozen residents. These are typically in older homes and older neighborhoods, not right next to hospitals or strip malls. Just being able to sit down on the patio outside and look at birds in the trees can be a source of calm for your mother, so keep smaller, quieter facilities in mind. To you, they might look dim and old, but they may be a lot more comfortable for your mom, and it’s possible she’ll get more one-on-one attention from staff without all the shouting, craziness, bright lights, and confusing hallways.
Always be on the lookout for opportunities to get Mom into the right place whenever and however you can. That may mean you won’t have ideal arrangements, but that will change. For instance, you might find a memory care home that doesn’t have any private rooms for Mom but does have a roommate arrangement with an equally quiet, reserved woman. It might work for Mom to have just the one roommate she can learn to socialize with. It might help her feel less lonely while not overwhelming her with unneeded social contact. And—sad as it is to say—spots for new residents open constantly as existing patients pass away, so that private room might open up sooner than you think.
Give Mome the kind of stimulation she DOES like. It’s generally healthy to keep folks in your mom’s condition engaged, but like people WITHOUT dementia, Mom has her preferences. If she likes reading, doing jigsaw puzzles, or going on short walks with you and your husband, make sure you do some of that on your visits. One advantage of setting up such activities is that you will be able to notice when Mom loses interest or ability to participate in them, which may be a sign her dementia is progressing. Either way, if she doesn’t like tossing a beach ball around in the rec room with the other residents, she shouldn’t have to!
Double-check your mom’s meds. It’s possible, as you mentioned, that the staff at the facility where Mom lives now just wants to medicate her to keep her quiet and compliant with the social routine they’ve set up for residents; and it’s possible that Mom’s not on the right dose or the right meds, and this is leading to some of her agitation. It’s also possible that Mom is advancing to a stage of her dementia characterized by increased agitation over nothing in particular. Try changing the environment first. If that doesn’t help, review her meds with someone who doesn’t work at the facility and doesn’t have an agenda to enforce compliance. It’s possible that the agitation may be caused by something else such as hallucinations, so keep in mind that any adjustment in meds should be to address a specific problem, not just keeping Mom quiet.
Once you find a place that fits your Mom’s preferences, be sure to let the staff know how much it means to you. Years after my mom passed from dementia, we are STILL grateful for Maria, and around the holidays, we made sure to create a gift basket especially for her as a way of saying thanks.
Staff who actually care and pay attention to your mother’s needs can be hard to find, but when you find them, they are SUCH a blessing.
