My husband with dementia has a “girlfriend.”

My husband with dementia has a “girlfriend.”

A little over two years ago, my husband “Carl” was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I suspect he already had it well before that, as I had already been forced to take over some of the “chores” (like paying the bills) that he used to do but just kind of stopped doing. I tried hard to arrange things so that he could keep living in the house, but he’d wander off and the neighbors would find him a mile away, lost and confused.

Cut to the chase: I moved Carl to a dementia care facility about a year ago and visit him every day. Lately, though, he doesn’t seem to know who I am, or thinks I’m his sister, and he has a “girlfriend” at the facility that he’s constantly touching and kissing.

I know it’s not really “him” any more, but I feel betrayed. I don’t know how I can continue like this. My heart is broken in so many different ways.

It’s not him…and it’s not you.

First of all, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It’s not unusual for people with dementia to forget important people or events in their lives. Sometimes they re-remember (sort of) once they see them, but once they’re out of sight, they’re out of mind. They simply don’t remember they’re married, and they may not even recognize you (as you’ve pointed out).

For example, my mom and dad were married for 30 years; but after her diagnosis and the four years that followed, she never once mentioned him.

Carl’s new reality

You’re right that “it’s not really him in there any more.”

I like to think that living with dementia is like living in an old house. When the lights are on, everything looks familiar and recognizable. But when the lights go out one by one, things can look very different, even scary, and there are no replacement bulbs to be found.

Carl’s getting around that house as best he can, with the light he still has.

Dealing with the situation

For most people, the challenge of standing by while a loved one loses touch with reality falls into one of three categories: day-to-day challenges, feelings, and exhaustion.

It’s good to ask yourself these questions: does Carl seem happy or agitated? Is he relatively healthy apart from his dementia? Is he managing okay with assistance when it comes to things like bathing, changing clothes, etc.? If so, count yourself lucky, because the days where you’ll recognize Carl as the man he used to be are coming to a close.

My Mom used to talk to rocks when we went on walks outside the dementia care facility where she lived for the four years I took care of her. It was both happy-cute and sad at the same time. I was happy she saw wonder and life in the craziest little things; but I felt kind of sad that she had fallen to a place where she talked to rocks.

Which brings me to the next challenge: feelings. It’s okay to feel heartbroken. Alzheimer’s is a horrible thing. But it’s Alzheimer’s who has betrayed you, not Carl. Feel heartbroken for the life that is slipping away, but not for the fact that someone in the middle of a raging sea of fear and uncertainty, Carl stumbled across an island of happiness.

I know it hurts that he doesn’t act that way around you. In some ways, it’s more painful than his death or divorce. You’re watching him slowly fade away, trying to keep a stiff upper lip, and as a bonus he forgets you and is hitting on another woman.

Try to remember that the lights have gone out in the “rooms” where he kept his older, deeper memories, and at best they seem like shadows cast on the wall by the setting sun. Maybe some part of Carl still recognizes you as a devoted companion who won’t leave his side. If you can take comfort in that, please try, because comfort is a hard thing to come by when you’re a caregiver..

During your visits, ask the staff to keep Carl’s “girlfriend” busy with something else. Try gently reminding him who you are, why you came, and share something happy together if possible. It could be something as simple as chocolates, ice cream, or a hug. But if he doesn’t remember, or if he rebuffs you, let go of the effort until you meet again, as forcing him to try to remember will only frustrate him.

If Carl’s romantic advances on the other resident are aggressive and unreciprocated, talk to his doctor about libido-decreasing medications. Otherwise, keeping Carl away from his new “girlfriend” may be all but impossible, especially if it’s one of a long list of things that isn’t actually bothering the other residents. Try letting Carl cope the best he can. As long as it’s not causing problems for either of THEM, maybe it’s just best to roll with it.

These days will pass mercifully before the house darkens again; and if he’s happy now, try very hard to be present and grateful that this phase of the disease isn’t tormenting him.