My brother broke our agreement.

My brother “Tim” and I are estranged, but have managed okay so far at taking care of Mom. Before we moved Mom to assisted living, we had an agreement that he’d take care of her finances if I took care of doctor’s visits, social outings, and taking her to family get-togethers.

Last month, he told me he wanted to move her out of the assisted living facility in her hometown, away from family and friends, to live with him and his wife in Arizona (I’m in Mississippi). Tim’s explanation is that he can’t manage Mom’s care at a distance and that she can no longer afford assisted living. I feel like he’s pocketing her money, not taking good care of her, and being selfish about what is best for him and his wife instead of Mom.

I can’t afford to make a lot of thousand-mile drives to take Mom on field trips in a town I don’t even know. I feel like I’m being cut out of my own Mom’s life when there’s very little of it left (she’s in her early 90s). It breaks my heart for her to be so far away, and I feel like there’s nothing I can do but shut up and take it.

Every time I try to discuss the matter with Tim, we get into an argument and it makes it even harder to do anything for Mom.

What should I do?

A lot to unpack here.

One thing that’s clear to me, at least, is that you’re dealing with a complicated situation that’s only made more complicated by your (wait for it) complicated relationship with your brother. I’m tempted to ask how the two of you got so sideways; or conversely, managed to cooperate for so long, but the estrangement isn’t helping. I’ll get to that in a second.

Instead, let’s deal with what appears to be the case: that with or without help, your mom’s run out of money to pay for her own care, and your brother’s doing the only thing he knows how to do: move her into cheaper arrangements that he can manage directly. It’s arguably the best of a bad set of choices.

I hear you loud and clear that you can’t afford to make a lot of thousand-mile trips to carry out your end of the agreement. The reverse may also be true: that he can’t continue to manage Mom’s expensive care from a distance and travel constantly to check in on her. Arizona might be the one place he CAN do those things, and no doubt he’s conscious he’ll now be taking on BOTH sets of obligations, his and yours.

Have you asked him yet whether he still realistically expects you to handle field trips, doctor’s appointments, the hairdresser and so on, or are you assuming that? If he hasn’t asked you to do that, what’s the problem? To me it looks like you brother’s taking on even greater responsibility for your mom’s care, not shirking it and pocketing the money.

I’m going to guess that you feel a sacred obligation to take care of the woman who raised you, and being freed of that duty kind of freaks you out. That’s okay, but please don’t blame your brother for it.

I think there’s a good chance that from where Tim stands, he feels burdened with having to make tough financial decisions, knows you’re going to see him as the bad guy, and can hear that train’s whistle blowing a mile down the track

So don’t go there.

If your brother’s doing the best he can to take care of Mom, now at his own expense, it kind of makes sense that he’d want to do that where he can see where his own money is going. But let’s say you don’t believe that, because you don’t appear to.

Dementia care facilities can cost several thousand dollars A MONTH, and unless you’re the one paying the bills, it’s hard to imagine just how fast money runs out. For instance, at $5000/month for dementia care, a $500,000 house only pays for 100 months of care, a little over 8 years. The less expensive the house and the more expensive the care, the less time the money lasts.

You mentioned your mom had been in assisted living for several years. It’s sad to contemplate that Mom’s entire life savings pays only for half a dozen years of care, but unless your mom ran out of money after just a year, your brother’s probably not stealing.

Take your brother at his word; and if you truly suspect financial mismanagement, ask to see receipts for Mom’s care. You’re entitled to that. If Tim refuses, you can often get an answer just by mentioning the name of an elder-law attorney. You don’t even have to hire one.

Keep in mind, though, that if you go that route, you’re likely to burn some bridges you won’t be able to cross again to get back to “normal” with Tim. If it turns out your suspicions were wrong, it will have been for nothing. And what if you’re right? Are you going to take legal action to remove guardianship or seize power of attorney? This sort of action should be reserved for truly egregious, consistent mismanagement of elder care.

Think long and hard before you take action. Unless your Mom is actually suffering as a result of Tim’s actions, you’ll just bring heartbreak on yourself and everyone else by making a stink about it. It’s better to give Tim the benefit of the doubt, even if you can’t stand talking to him and you don’t like the way he’s doing things.

Look at eldercare options—together.

So Tim wants to cart Mom off to Arizona and has pretty much made up his mind he’s going to do so. Maybe it was a VERY clumsy attempt to fix the problem on his own. At least admit that possibility.

Given that you don’t like the way he’s handing things, can you suggest a reasonable, achievable alternative and work through the tradeoffs together? For instance, would Tim be agreeable to having your mom live with YOU? Do you have the space? Can you adapt the space you have to housing Mom? Does your schedule allow you to take some of the responsibilities for her care off Tim’s shoulder? If Mom’s really out of money and Tim’s still responsible for her care, what options seem most realistic to BOTH of you?

If Tim is telling you–and showing you–that Mom can no longer afford the senior living arrangement she’s had for years, and if your answer is that your house is too small, you don’t have time, and it would just be too much trouble, you have your answer.

It’s just not one you want to hear.

You two HAD an agreement, but that was before Mom ran out of money. When you talk to Tim, let him know what help you’d be willing to provide. Ask him if he can see a way for any of those options to work for him. Take his feedback as JUST DATA, not pushback, criticism, or unwillingness to entertain your ideas. Treat the discussion as a brainstorming session where you both get to be the heroes for finding an affordable way to continue taking care of Mom, one that won’t drive either of you crazy.

Take turns deciding what you’d do if you were in the other’s place. Be honest, be supportive, and be willing to accept that there are no good answers, only slightly less bad ones.

Adjust your thinking.

When you can’t change the facts, you have to change your thinking. So here are the facts:

• Mom can’t afford her existing senior living arrangement.

• You feel like your brother broke an unwritten agreement about your mother’s care and is perhaps cold-heartedly, one-sidedly making decisions for her now.

• You don’t want to drive or fly 1000 miles to visit her if she moves in with your brother.

• You don’t want her to lose contact with family and friends who live nearby.

• Your brother’s financially responsible for your Mom’s care (hopefully this has been legally established already).

• You don’t want to be forced to communicate with your brother through lawyers.

• You want to see Mom as much as you can before she’s gone forever.

If Tim’s provided reasonable proof that your mom really can’t afford her old senior living arrangement, something has to give. If you kept Mom at the close-by facility she likes, how will you and your brother pay for it? If Mom’s resources aren’t entirely gone, maybe you can stretch them by having her take on a roommate, drop the optional meal plan or cleaning services, or move her to a less expensive facility. Perhaps she can stay with one of you during the evenings but spend her daylight hours at senior day care, allowing you both some freedom, space, and peace of mind. When you accept that the arrangements that used to work don’t work any more, it’s easier to be creative. This is the stuff you and Tim should talk about, and when you agree on what to do next, acknowledge that you chose it together.

You want to see Mom as much as possible, so see her as much as possible. If you can’t make the long drive, could you Facetime her? Call her (Tim might have to answer the phone and hand it to her)? Can Mom still read email or texts? Can you write letters and mail them to her? You have AGENCY. You control your choices, and your choices control your outcomes.

It’s incredibly painful to accept that Mom can’t stay the way she was. Difficult decisions are coming, they’re going to hurt, and someone is going to have to make them. It will help you and your brother both to focus your attention on “radical acceptance” of Mom’s new reality, facing uncomfortable truths head-on together with bravery, grace, and compassion.