Are you a “toxic” caregiver?

On the best days, taking care of Dad is a blessing. You get more time to see him as the fragile, messed-up human being he actually is. And sometimes, if you’re honest with yourself, the psychological burden of care can bend your own life out of shape and be harmful to others. You probably don’t even notice when it’s happening, but others do.

Warning signs

You feel so overwhelmed you snap at people.

It could be Mom, for forgetting the “rules” to Scrabble (pro tip: for folks with dementia, there ARE no rules!). It could be a brother or sister for being late to pick Mom up for her hairdresser’s appointment. The point is that those are just drops in the sea of things you can’t control.

Don’t take a lack of control out on people around you. As much as you’d like there to be an outside entity responsible for how you feel, it’s abandoning your native ability to control how you feel and think things through logically.

You feel responsible for NEVER making mistakes.

You’re going to make mistakes, and sometimes, those learning moments are going to be painful for both you and someone else. Remember that you’re doing your best, and the only person likely expecting more out of you than you can give is yourself. You’d be surprised how much sympathy—and even help—you received if you just asked for it.

Your relationship with several siblings has changed.

Could it possibly be that NOT ONLY has your own brother plotted to disappoint Mom and everyone else by making a 600-mile drive to visit her for Thanksgiving only to show up late; BUT ALSO your sister seems too caught up in the lives of her grandkids to bother driving 25-miles to take Mom to a freaking MOVIE, AND your brother-in-law has backed out of his offer to help construct an add-on to your house so you and Mom can have the occasional separation you so desperately need while you’re taking care of her?

Look at the odds. If several relationships are souring at once, your behavior might be the one thing in common. Ask yourself how a complete stranger would view your role in those soured relationships. It doesn’t make you the “bad guy”, but it does suggest that it might be time to talk through some of your multiple relationship issues with a licensed therapist.

You shout or argue with Dad.

Keep in mind that whatever it is you’re upset about, Dad’s doing his best to function normally. But he’s like an old car that doesn’t drive well anymore. He can’t go any faster, make any more sense, or understand any better, and raising your voice is only going to upset him.

You’re taking care of Dad, but he doesn’t seem happy about it.

Parents with dementia sometimes find it difficult to communicate their confusion, discomfort, displeasure, or other negative emotions, but they feel them all the same. It’s good that you’re stopping in to check on Dad, but if you can’t stay longer than 5 minutes, barely talk to him, and avoid hugging him because you’re still mad at the fact that he soiled himself, he’s not feeling the love. If there actually IS love, show it, because otherwise all he sees is your frustration and anger.

Stepping back

There’s a saying that “pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.”

It’s perfectly normal to feel stressed, frustrated, and upset about the fact that Dad has dementia. It’s also okay that you feel overwhelmingly responsible for “honoring thy father and thy mother” in their moment of need.

What’s not healthy, though, is to act out against others in frustration and anger when like you, they’re ALSO doing their best. Think about the fact that your sister IS doing the responsible thing by looking after her grandchildren. That your brother actually drove 600 miles to visit Mom and couldn’t help the thunderstorm that delayed his arrival. That your brother-in-law is a busy carpenter who’s been cash-strapped until his latest paying project finally put food on the table.

YOU are responsible for how you feel…NOT others.

No one else has the responsibility for making your life easier, or for doing exactly what you demand of them. They MAY, however, react positively to appreciative messages and outreach asking for whatever help they can muster. Focusing on negative feelings will only hurt other people and produce more negative feelings, until one day you wake up and discover you feel cheated out of your own life and hate the whole world.

The best way to remove these toxic feelings is to focus on what went RIGHT with your day, starting with Mom. She’s still alive, and that’s a blessing. She’s not lost in her own home, tripping over clutter and breaking bones. She’s not a thousand miles away, standing by her empty car on the highway, trying to get to a house in Toledo where she hasn’t lived for a dozen years. Mom’s doing as well as possible, and that’s BECAUSE OF YOU.

Everything else is just the unavoidable consequences of not having enough time to do everything, and you can’t fix the world anyway. Unfortunately with dementia, things generally don’t get better. And that’s not your fault.

It’s time to step away, breathe, and be kind to yourself, and in time, you will find it easier to be kind to Mom and everyone else.