Dad no longer remembers who I am.

Ever since we moved my dad into a memory care facility three years ago, I’ve been the one who’s checked in on him. I live closer than my other siblings, so this is natural. I stop by every other day or so to talk about the weather, bring him flowers or a treat (he loves donuts!), and just hang out. I know he’s not all there, but he seems happy.

What troubles me is that he seems to have me confused with one of the nurses. Meanwhile, he goes on and on about how proud he is of his kids but how sad he is that they never visit any more.

I’m there EVERY OTHER DAY! I don’t like feeling like the hired help, and my heart is breaking that he can go on and on about how proud he is of the daughter he imagines while his REAL daughter is standing right there in front of him. I am pouring my soul into taking care of him and I feel like it doesn’t matter.

Please help.

Finding light in the darkness.

Sure, it hurts—like hell—to feel like the hired help, and I am so, so sorry you are having to go through all this. Your dad can’t help what’s happening to him, and he’s doing the best he can.

Whenever I found myself in that situation with my mom, I asked myself: is she generally happy? Comfortable? Otherwise doing okay? It was hard, but I tried to take comfort in the fact that even if she didn’t recognize me, she knew I was a good person who took care of her and made her happy. In her condition, that was all I could ask for.

Because I knew she wasn’t going to get better, I tried to treasure those moments—those bizarre, messed-up twilight-zone moments!—as a chance to steal a little bit of happiness from the jaws of a long, drawn-out nightmare. It didn’t make everything better, but it reminded me that those same moments I was stressing out about were also chances to re-frame my relationship with Mamma, as someone she looked up to, depended on, and ultimately loved…not as a child, but as a fundamentally kind person.

Kindness, not out of obligation or as settlement of some social debt, without regard for how you may benefit from it, is one of the most freeing things in the world, and watching a smile unfold like a flower can ease a lot of pain.

If you still feel bad about the fact that he doesn’t recognize you, bring some family pictures next time you visit, and point out who the people are, where the pictures were taken, and the memories they bring back for you. Let him know you treasure those memories just as you treasure being around him now.

Every day has a sunrise and a sunset. How each day goes depends on where your focus lies.