Mom lives very far away. How can I help my sister take care of her?

Growing up, our family was always tightly knit, and my sister and I still have a very strong bond. She lives in San Francisco and takes care of Mom, who lives in a dementia home nearby. About ten years ago, I moved to Boston, and it’s been harder and harder to see Mom. I visit when I can, but I want to be more helpful and I don’t want my sister to feel like I’m abandoning her to take care of Mom. Any suggestions?

What you’re already doing right

What a wonderful question to have! Caring for a parent with dementia can tear many families apart, so I am SO happy to hear that you and your sister are still close. More kudos to you for traveling to see Mom when you can, and for wanting to help your sister take care of Mom.

So you’re already ahead of the time game there.

What your sister is probably going through

Taking care of elderly parents, especially ones with dementia, can bring financial and emotional stress. Even if you sister has power of attorney or is Mom’s legal guardian, she has to figure out how to make Mom’s assets last long enough to pay for quality care for the remainder of her life. Figuring out exactly how much of those assets to allocate to residential dementia care can be a guessing game. Your sister must suddenly become Mom’s “accountant” AND oversee recommended changes in her medical care.

In most families, that can mean siblings watching over her shoulder, waiting for her to mess up and offering nothing but criticism and patently obvious alternatives she’s already tried.

Meanwhile, your sister is dealing with Mom’s mental decline on a near-daily basis and has to deal with the emotional weight of trying to do her best, knowing that nothing will save Mom from her downhill slide. She has to make difficult decisions every day: for instance, raise your Mom’s antipsychotics, knowing it will “knock her out”, or NOT raising them, leaving her more lucid but agitated, troubled, and afraid.

There’s also a good chance that as your Mom’s caregiver, your sister is probably also witness to Mom’s worst moments. No doubt some of those moments led to the decision to place Mom in a dementia care home.

So it sounds like you’re already helping your sister just by not being judgmental and by wanting to be helpful. That probably means more to your sister than you can imagine.

What else you can do

More than anything, being emotionally supportive to your sister and not second-guessing her every decision are probably the greatest gifts you could give her.

Especially if you cannot be physically present, that matters. Cutting your sister as much slack as she needs and praising her for all the little things she does in Mom’s life helps, too. Sympathizing with her struggle to be the hero in a fight that cannot be won is important, too.

Don’t forget that since you and your sister are on good talking terms, reaching out to her to see if she’d just like to talk can be helpful.

When you visit Mom, try taking her on an all-day outing can provide some relief for your sister from the constant fatigue of caring for an elderly parent. Mom will probably love it, too! It can be as simple as sitting in the park with a bag of cookies and some cold water, watching the squirrels chase each other from tree to tree. As the days tick by and you begin to realize that Mom’s not going to be here forever, you’ll treasure those afternoons like poured gold.

Let your sister know you “see” her. By that, I mean that you’re aware of the difficult situation she’s in with your Mom’s care and that you know it’s tough. Allow your sister to “unload” emotionally and say the scary parts out loud.

If your sister asks for any specific help, provide it if you’re able. If it’s not something you can do, firmly but respectfully indicate where your boundaries are.

Sometimes that’s hard for a caregiver to process boundaries, especially if they are already feeling stress or judgment over how well caregiving is working. If they’re not pleased that you can’t do what they want you to do, offer to do something else you CAN do.

Buy your sister flowers or some other small gift to let her know you’re thinking of her and love her. Or better yet, call her and let her know.

Your kindness, listening, and good will can work wonders.