Mom keeps telling Grandma that Grandpa’s dead.

Grandma still lives at home, though Mom checks on her every week to make sure she has fresh food, the bills are paid, and the trash is taken out.

Every time my mom and I visit my grandmother, Grandma asks where “Bill” (her husband) is. Grandpa Bill died eight years ago. It really bothers me how upset Grandma gets when Mom tries to explain that Grandpa is dead. It hits Grandma like it’s brand new information, and I’ve tried to tell Mom not to bring up the subject, to redirect, to say that “grandpa’s gone to the store” or some other harmless little fib that will keep Grandma from re-experiencing the loss.

I think Grandma is showing signs of dementia, but Mom insists that she’s fine, that Grandma is just forgetful, and that she needs to be reminded of what’s actually going on around her. It doesn’t help that Mom’s very religious and believes that telling Grandma little white lies is a horrible sin. I would like to think that when it comes to sin, causing grief every day outranks that.

Please help! I don’t know how to get through to Mom!

Try meeting Mom where she is.

There are several ways you could approach the issue with your mom. First, ask her in a calm and non-judgmental way to explain her thinking behind telling Grandma about Grandpa’s death. Mention that Grandma seems really upset every time she shares this news and ask if she’s considered that the unvarnished truth might be doing more harm than good.

Your mom may respond with the same sort of insistence she exhibited with your grandmother, saying that the Bible tells her that all lies are sins offensive to God.

Since your mom is very religious, you might give certain Bible verses a try.

• Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving.”

• Proverbs 15:23: “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!”

• Philippians 2:3: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Tell her that if she feels she must tell the truth, could she please at least omit the hurtful details? For instance, saying “Bill’s not here right now.” You and your mom know Grandpa Bill’s dead, but does THAT have to be the reality you focus on?

The truth is that if Grandma keeps asking where Grandpa Bill is, she’s mentally not equipped to deal with the real world.

Acknowledge that you and Mom don’t see eye to eye, and ask her if she would mind talking to her priest or pastor for additional insight into navigating the moral minefield that Grandma’s situation presents. Many priests and pastors have some sort of training in psychology, or at least are acquainted with coping strategies compatible with their faiths, such as selective disclosure of truth without bearing false witness.

Looking after her own mom’s mental health is at the very least a Biblical commitment to honor parents, which your mom should feel at least as much obligation to honor as telling her hurtful truths.

There’s a chance, though, that your mom won’t budge on this one. If she doesn’t, the only thing that will stop her from creating an emotional train wreck for her mom, herself, and the rest of the family is seeing whether the strategy she insists on actually does any good.

Try seeing Mom as a real person who sometimes makes mistakes.

Unfortunately, the fact that it’s probably Mom’s duty to take care of Grandma, and the fact that she’s not helping by denying the truth of her situation and telling her mother upsetting things, aren’t making things any easier.

If Mom’s actions are actually endangering your Grandma’s physical or mental health, you COULD contact Protective Services. Just keep in mind that’s the “nuclear option”, and it may ruin your relationship with your mother if she finds out who made the call.

The best REALISTIC strategy is to continue to show kindness to both Mom and Grandma. For Grandma, because kindness will make her feel calmer and happier. For Mom, because if she’s as insistent as you say she is about carrying out unproductive caregiver strategies, she’s going to learn the hard way what works and what doesn’t. She’ll be painfully aware that her strategies aren’t working, and you don’t want to get caught in the position of telling her what she ought to be doing instead, or worse, saying “I told you so.” When her actions as a caregiver don’t succeed, show sympathy, be a sounding board, and offer whatever help you’re willing to give (willingness is key, as you don’t want to build resentment).

You may have never seen your mom afraid, unsure of what to do, and watching her own mother’s mental decline. It’s probably incredibly heartbreaking for her to acknowledge, which may explain her denial and insistence that “everything is fine.”

Leave room for your mother to make mistakes, to be dead wrong and do a sloppy, unplanned, and chaotic job of taking care of her mom. Anything else is probably heaping judgment on her when she’s least able to take it.

Watch out for your own mental health.

While your mom’s dealing with her own mother’s mental decline, you’re probably dealing with a lot of baggage yourself: guilt for not being able to do more, helplessness, and sadness and heartbreak over what Grandma’s going through.

Don’t forget that kindness includes yourself. The best thing you can do is to view your OWN situation with sympathy and non-judgment. YOU are doing the best you can!

Find time to go outside, take a walk, and breathe the fresh air. This simple act of can help bring your mind to a more positive place. You may also find it helpful to just sit calmly and breathe slowly, meditate, or focus on some aspect of your day that went well. Do so with intent, not fleetingly. Dig deeper into that happy moment and find gratitude for what made it happy. In times like this, it helps to remember not what we are losing, but what we still have.