Mom takes forever to say anything, and it’s frustrating Dad

Dear Grassflower: Mom likes to talk. The problem–and it’s been this way for a LO-O-NG time–is that it takes her FOREVER to say anything, she repeats herself and gets mentally lost a lot of the time, and sometimes just kind of forgets where’s she’s going. Dad’s been with her for going on 60 years now, and on a good day, he’ll just finish her sentences. On a worse day, he’ll tell her she’s remembering things wrong. On a really bad day, he’ll just get quietly frustrated and walk into another room to take a nap while she finishes her story. I don’t know how to deal with Dad’s behavior, but I think it’s part of the problem. Doesn’t he realize Mom has Alzheimer’s or some other kind of memory impairment? I can’t believe they’ve let it go this long without doing something. Or maybe he DOES know and doesn’t want to acknowledge it’s real. I don’t know what to do. They’re still living independently, but Dad’s not in good health and I keep worrying about what will happen to Mom when he dies.

— Sam H., Prairie View, MN

There’s a lot going on here…

It feels a little bit like everyone’s throwing up their hands here and nobody’s grabbing the wheel, so let’s unpack what’s going on.

First, it does sound like your mom has some kind of cognitive problem, memory impairment at a bare minimum. That’s not a medical diagnosis, just an observation based on my own experience. Regardless, whether it’s Alzheimer’s, Lewy Body Dementia, mini-strokes, or just some other kind of memory impairment, it probably doesn’t matter RIGHT NOW.

But if you’re concerned about Dad’s longevity, it will matter soon. Without Dad to remember to pay the bills, put Mom’s meds out on the counter, and remember the way to the grocery store, Mom’s situation will change once he’s gone, and it will become your problem at that point. That means now’s a good time to be thinking in practical terms about what your plan will be when the inevitable comes.

But before we get into it, let’s talk about your dad’s behavior. No doubt, given his daily proximity and exposure to Mom’s behavior, he hasn’t noticed the subtle changes that hit you like a load of bricks every time you visit. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to believe that the love of his life is slowly falling apart.

Which brings me to YOUR behavior. You are aware that YOU, TOO have agency, right? By that I mean, you can help Dad without asking him to make hard decisions. You can check in on Mom and offer to take her on doctor’s appointments, etc., and perhaps in the process get to understand how she behaves when Dad’s not around to finish her sentences. You can let Dad know that his health fails, you’re ready to step in and take on more of the load.

You ARE ready for that, right?

Perhaps knowing that Mom will be taken good care of will allow Dad to loosen up about what’s really going on, what his concerns have been about her condition, her care, and his own mortality. And maybe that’s a chance to see your Dad as the worried, nervous, fallible, and somewhat helpless human being he is inside, rather than as a source of frustration for you and your mother.

But back to your original problem

Mom takes forever to say anything. So…

• Does she HAVE to say anything? Is it possible to just sit there and react, comment on the weather occasionally, and enjoy the afternoon sun on the screen porch as she drifts off from conversation into an unrehearsed nap?
• You’ve heard the story before, right? So does it matter how long she takes to tell it? You know what’s coming, don’t you? The bit about how in high school she once dated a boy whose cousin knew Jerry Lee Lewis, and how they went on a double date and ended up backstage? It might be worth it just to let Mom ramble for a bit…after all, she’s reliving memories from long ago and if it makes her happy, isn’t that the point?
• Perhaps you’re bored. Please don’t make the mistake of wanting Mom to hurry. By my best guess, she’s in her 80s, and she’s not going anywhere fast. And trust me, one day you will look back on those times you wanted to hurry up and get the story over with and wish you could just go back and spend forever in one of those moments.

I get the sense that it’s not really Dad’s frustration that is bothering you, but the fact that it’s hard to pay attention or follow Mom’s rambling, on-again-off-again conversation, and you wish it were different. Unfortunately, it’s not, and it’s not going to be.

What you CAN do is take her to see a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist, get some dementia and memory tests done, and see if there’s a prescription they can recommend for Mom’s memory problems. For my mom, that was Namenda, but have a detailed conversation with the doc AFTER he’s seen Mom, unless yours is the rare case where Mom can actually handling hearing the news that she’s got memory problems or dementia. Check in with the doc regularly as Mom’s condition changes.

Dad may or may not be able to be a part of the process. You can ask, but he refuses to acknowledge Mom has problems, she still needs the care, and you may have to get creative to figure out ways to help provide it for her without leaving Dad feeling helpless, undermined, or out of control.

Your mom has begun a long, slow walk downhill, and Dad probably already knows that. The best you can do now is be patient, be supportive of both her and Dad, and hold her hand for as long as you can.