Mom’s church asked me not to bring her anymore.
Dear Grassflower: Mom’s faith has always been important to her; and until now, it’s been her one chance to get out and go somewhere she loves. But lately, she behaves inappropriately–loud talking, singing the wrong hymn, or just not making sense. She’s been asked to leave the service because her behavior is disruptive. It upsets her to get “thrown out”, and she often gets obsessed with some point raised in the sermon and won’t let go of it. Last Sunday, the preacher said “the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect,” and Mom spent the whole afternoon trying to “get the house ready for him.” This can’t go on. What should I do?
~David, Iowa City, IA
“The call is coming from inside the house.”
First of all, let me point out the obvious: you never said your mom has dementia, but I think she does. Her suddenly inappropriate behavior is a sign that she may no longer really understand social norms. The incomprehensible rambling is another sign, as is the obsessive perseveration on a single thought, followed by nonsensical behavior.
There’s a classic line from old horror movies: “the call is coming from inside the house.” It’s meant to suggest that the threat is a lot closer than expected.
If Mom’s still living at home, it’s time to take her to see a geriatric psychiatrist and have her evaluated for dementia. If she’s driving, she probably shouldn’t be. If she hasn’t yet accidentally overdosed on her meds, gotten completely lost in familiar surroundings, or fallen for no apparent reason, count yourself lucky.
Short term solutions
It’s clear that Mom can no longer attend church personally. If the sermons aren’t upsetting her and her experience is overall positive, consider taking Mom to the kids’ services, where they’re usually better equipped to handle unruly or unexpected behavior. She might love seeing the kids anyway! Talk to her pastor about pastoral visitation as well.
On the other hand, if—and you pointed out—the message in the services is upsetting her, it may be time to just stop going altogether. Faith is always a very personal thing, and there may be creative ways to help Mom experience her spirituality in a more positive way. My husband’s runner friends sometimes say “outdoors is my church.” What they mean is that just being out in the glory of creation can sometimes will you with an appreciation for the divine, or at the very least an admiration for the wonder that is life. It’s hard to watch a sunrise and not feel redemption, forgiveness, hope, and a new start to everything.
What happens next
Pretty soon, you’re going to be faced with some uncomfortable decisions. Realistically, Mom’s probably not going to be able to live at home for that much longer. You can “elder-proof” her surroundings up to a point, but if she’s getting lost in her own hallway or thinks someone snuck in and built secret rooms as my Mom did, it’s time to start looking at some kind of assisted living arrangement, even if—and especially because—Mom’s still relatively able to get around unharmed, and a lot of assisted living facilities can help Mom age gracefully from semi-independence to a more carefully monitored and managed setup, including dementia and memory care.
My mother-in-law’s assisted living facility used to have someone playing hymns on the piano every Sunday morning. It wasn’t exactly her thing, but I remember seeing residents happily singing along as we walked past, able to embrace the happiest and most familiar elements of their faith in a way that met them where they were psychologically.
Faith and dementia
Faith can help people with dementia hang onto community, positivity, and hope. But as your mom gradually loses her ability to appreciate and embrace it as a rational adult, you may have to simplify and modify certain parts.
There’s a passage in Ephesians, 4:29, that says “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.“ My interpretation of this is that what you say to your Mom about her situation should be said with compassion. There’s no point in telling her, for instance, that the pastor kicked her out for talking too loudly. That’s just going to upset her, and she probably won’t understand or remember how what she said or did was inappropriate. The words are true, but they’re not necessary, helpful, or kind.
Instead, look for ways to build Mom up and reassure her that you have her back. That may mean isolating her from things that upset her. It may mean focusing less of complex things like sin, punishment, and the End Times, and more on simpler, happier concepts like beauty, joy, forgiveness, companionship, and love.
If you need justification for applying that to Mom, you can draw on elements of her own faith:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. […] And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” —1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13
Love is always the right approach. It’s just harder than we think sometimes.
We’re told to “honor thy father and thy mother,” and sometimes we don’t realize how hard it actually is. We’re forced to make decisions that are uncomfortable for us but ultimately lead to greater comfort and security for those we honor. To do so with love, compassion, and kindness can help lighten the load for both of you.
