Sister is draining mom’s bank accounts.

My sister is playing a dangerous game with our well-to-do Mom. She knows Mom’s in the early stages of dementia and can’t keep track of her own finances. Sister has been telling Mom how her granddaughter Lyndi is now driving age and needs a new car. We’re not talking cheap either! Sister is counting on being able to dupe Mom into spending lavishly to please her granddaughter.

Grassflower, Mom WORKED for her money. I think my sister is just being manipulative and selfish. What’s going to happen when Mom really needs the money to pay for her own care? I feel like she’s being taken to the cleaners!

Talk to Mom’s attorney

Unfortunately, the only way you’re going to be able to stop Mom from financially indulging your sister’s desire to enrich her own family is for you to be legally responsible for Mom’s finances. And given that your Mom has more wealth than the average person, that’s probably going to be a bone of contention among you, your sister, and any other siblings you have.

It makes things a lot easier if Mom has Power of Attorney paperwork already in place that she can sign to grant legal authority for her care to the person she deems most capable. But this requires Mom to be mentally competent to sign such documents.

It sounds like part of the problem is that Mom is making financially unsound decisions because of a mental health problem, which calls her judgment into question, and that she has no designated POA and no guardian to stop her from doing things she doesn’t realize do financial harm to her.

I’d start by talking to Mom’s attorney and explaining your concern for her financial well-being. Suggest to the attorney that Mom may not be mentally well, and ask if, after a diagnosis of dementia, he could petition a court to appoint a guardian for your mother. Sometimes it’s possible to obtain “limited guardianship”, which allows a court-appointed caregiver to make certain decisions for someone like your mom without taking away any more independence than is necessary to ensure Mom’s financial and physical safety. But approaching Mom’s attorney directly and with an air of inquiry, the process may be fairly open.

While you’re at it, you might ask if anyone else has inquired about guardianship. It’s a fair question, and while Mom’s attorney may not choose to disclose WHO inquired, it would be good to know if someone did.

For instance, it’s possible that your sister is one step ahead of you and has requested guardianship. If you know this is a bad idea and not in Mom’s interests, hire your own attorney to contest the request. You have the right to raise objections, question your sister’s qualifications or competence to be Mom’s guardian, and to register a dispute over guardianship. The court will be forced to consider evidence pertinent to the appointment of a guardian and make a determination based on the evidence.

For instance, that McLaren sports car Mom bought for her 16-year-old granddaughter.

Talk to Mom’s doctors

In order to settle the dispute, there are basically options:

• Your sister must prove that Mom’s mentally competent to manage her own financial affairs and has every right to spend her money as she pleases.

• One of you must produce signed POA documentation from Mom demonstrating unequivocally who is to assume control of her estate in the event of her incapacitation.

• You can prove Mom’s NOT mentally competent to handle her own finances and needs a court-appointed guardian.

• If Mom’s proven mentally incompetent, the court must settle guardianship disputes. Mom’s lack of competence may be grounds for also having the court void the purchase of the sports car.

All of this requires a visit to Mom’s doctor(s), which you should make as soon as possible. For this, you want to find the best geriatric psychiatrist you can, and get a detailed evaluation of Mom’s mental health. Go overboard if needed to get corroborating test results from reliable, highly-credentialed neurologists or psychiatrists, as your sister will most likely question your choice of doctors, the validity of the tests, and just about everything else you do.

Before you get all that set up, make SURE Mom includes you on any HIPAA releases so that you can view the test results and present them to the appropriate attorneys.

Settling disputes

In the best possible case, all the doctors will agree on Mom’s mental health and the lawyers will play fair, share appropriate information, and the court will decide fairly quickly who’s acting in Mom’s best interests and appoint that person her guardian. Hopefully, that’s you, or at least someone “neutral” who doesn’t insist on having Mom buy sports cars for 16-year-olds (really?!).

The second best outcome is if you, your sister, and any other claimants to guardianship can agree on extrajudicial settlement. That means that a third party reviews opposing claims, decides who should be Mom’s legal guardian, and all parties agree not to take the matter to court.

Otherwise, get ready to have your sister paint you as the Devil’s Own Offspring. Unfortunately, this is the way things often get settled when significant sums of money are involved. You might want to ask your regular attorney to refer you to a family law attorney, guardianship attorney, probate attorney, or someone else who’s an expert in family law, estate law or guardianship.

Finding a place of peace in the chaos and nonsense

One of the hardest things to do in situations like yours is to let go of things once they’ve been decided. Sure, you can appeal decisions until you’re blue in the face, but at some point—and I think you’ll know it when you reach it—you’ll be more bone-tired of the struggle than you are angry at your sister.

There’s an old Rolling Stones song with the lyrics “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.” There’s actually a nugget of wisdom there: to let go of battles you cannot win, accept that there were casualties (your Mom’s financial well-being and any relationship with your sister or her family), and move on. If you don’t, the whole thing will weigh you down.

Only when you let go will you be able to rise up, move forward, and live in peace with the outcome.