The 7 Deadly Sibs: toxic family relationships and dementia caregiving
Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of feedback from fellow dementia caregivers about strained family relationships that only got more toxic as the matriarch or patriarch who held the family together fell into decline and the care of parents fell to one of the siblings.
One thing that seems particularly distasteful about this whole mess is that it falls into predictable patterns that I call the “Seven Deadly Sibs.” While no doubt some legitimate rationale lies behind each of these tropes, the sheer tone-deafness and astounding lack of sympathy for caregivers make them worthy of illustration.
So without further ado, let’s introduce the villains:
The Seven Deadly Sibs (+1)
Greed (Bubba)
Bubba doesn’t actually care about Mom. He just wants her house.
Sloth (Sally)
Even though Sally lives closest to Dad, she doesn’t lift a finger to help him, because “she’s not his caregiver.”
Pride (Billy)
Billy feels like since he’s Dad’s caregiver, and after all, was a combat medic in the 40th infantry division, nobody can tell him what’s best for Dad. He might be right, but he’ll never know if he isn’t, because he can’t process any knowledge he didn’t acquire on his own.
Wrath (Ben)
Lucia skipped out on visiting Mom last year in order to take the kids to Disney World. Mom had a stroke before getting to see them one last time, doesn’t know who they are any more, and the last communication Lucia received from her brother Ben was a text that said, “you’re dead to me.”
Envy (Susan)
Susan is upset because she got saddled with Mom’s care, knows Mom has limited financial resources, and feels like you should liquidate your own assets and spend your hard-earned money taking care of Mom. On top of that, she’s ticked off and manipulative about how you conduct your own affairs.
Selfishness (William)
Unlike Bubba, William doesn’t want Mom’s house. But he doesn’t mind using it as a free crash pad for his miscellaneous girlfriends, addict buddies, and the like, some of whom see Mom as a vulnerable old lady who probably won’t miss a handful of cash or those antique earrings she keeps next to her bed.
Control (Vera)
Vera isn’t technically Mom’s caregiver and has no legal responsibility to look after her. But that doesn’t stop her from telling her sister Iona—who IS Mom’s caregiver—how to do it.
BONUS: Indifference (Sam)
Sam’s got some private axe to grind, either with Dad or one of his siblings. Ever since the “big argument” and his falling out with the rest of his family, he hasn’t shown up physically or emotionally to help Dad in his declining years. The problem is that nobody remembers the hurt except Sam.
Sadly, I’ve seen most of the above in one form or another up close.
Dealing with the Seven Deadly Sibs
It won’t make you any friends, but the best way to deal with siblings like these is to set boundaries.
Greed (Bubba)
For instance, with Bubba (Greed), make abundantly clear that Mom’s assets are for Mom’s care. Bubba probably won’t “get it” right away, so don’t shy away from revealing the realities that dementia care can cost several thousand dollars a month, and that Mom’s $300,000 house in all likelihood will barely outlast Mom herself—if the house is actually paid off. After all, her doctor, her attorney, and the other people you have to pay for Mom’s care, out of Mom’s assets, don’t work for free. Some siblings entertain the idea that “the old homestead” will fall to them because they’re the oldest, or that somehow once Mom’s moved to dementia care, the money from selling the house will get divvied up. The truth is that after everything for the last few years of Mom’s life are paid for, there won’t be much left.
It doesn’t matter what Bubba THINKS, the reality is that it’s not his house and it isn’t his money, and if you’re the caregiver, you’re going to have to tell him this and hold the line.
Sloth (Sally)
“Sally won’t lift a finger because she’s not Dad’s caregiver” could be interpreted a lot of ways. It’s possible, for instance, that Sally has a lot going on. She may be super-occupied with her new grandkids, and while she certainly isn’t obligated to spend each day with them, the bond with their grandmother is a special thing—and a meaningful one—that can’t simply be dismissed out-of-hand because making Sally the bad guy for not visiting fits a convenient narrative that’s actually more about your feeling overwhelmed with caregiving.
Start by owning whatever emotions YOU have and taking the behaviors of others AT FACE VALUE. The fact that the task of caring for Mom fell to you may be a reflection of the fact that Mom trusted you more than anyone else to handle her care in her declining years. Maybe it’s time to actually ASK Sally for something specific, or ask her what she is WILLING to do to take the load off. And maybe Sally just doesn’t like being told what to do, or worse, being the subject of anger because she didn’t do something you didn’t ask for.
The other possibility is that Sally really DOESN’T give a darn about Mom. Maybe their relationship has been strained ever since she snuck out her bedroom window as a teenager to go get drunk with friends and Mom caught her trying to sneak back in after midnight. Mom never forgave her, and Sally never admitted she’d done anything wrong.
People are really messed up. They carry grudges to their graves. And the only way you can avoid getting caught up in all that drama is to stay out of it. That starts with NOT trying to guess WTF Sally was thinking when she didn’t show up to help clean out the house after moving Mom to dementia care and you had to drive 600 miles to do it yourself over the weekend.
Sure, you can write off your sister as a stubborn, lazy b****, but it won’t enrich your life, it will color every interaction with her, and it will drain your soul of happiness.
Let go.
Pride (Billy)
Hoo boy…where to start? Billy’s got a lot of baggage to unpack. Clearly he feels a strong sense of responsibility for Dad’s care, and that’s a GOOD thing. The Army may have trained him to try to be in control of situations, and he’s doing what he’s good at.
I think the way to approach Billy is as a helper, not a leader. Even if all you do is give him advice, links to online resources, or something else, any specific type of help you offer is going to be taken as a subtle message that Billy “didn’t know” about something critical and “wasn’t thinking” about some aspect of Dad’s care. I know if it were me, I’d feel worried every day that I wasn’t taking good care of Dad, and hearing from a sibling what I “should do” would probably feel pretty insulting. You have to consider that other people’s insecurities aren’t just hang-ups they “need to get over”, but a part of their reality that when shaken can cause real emotional pain.
So instead, try telling Billy you don’t question his judgment, and that you’d like to help however you can, given whatever restrictions you may need to enforce. Let him know that no job is too small or too insignificant, for instance, but that you can’t do anything during the week you’re supposed to be at jury duty, or going in for a kidney scan, or whatever. These are NOT excuses; they’re boundaries…and you DID offer to help in a way that wasn’t threatening.
And if you feel Billy’s gone way off the rails regarding Dad’s care, you can always talk to Dad’s attorney and raise whatever issues you have. It’s probably better not to approach Billy directly anyway if you think that’s your only option.
Wrath (Ben)
Ben’s got some really misplaced ideas about how other people should be behaving. In fact, he probably holds himself to an entirely different standard. Things in Ben’s life are important. Things in Lucia’s life are not. And that’s part of the problem.
The problem for you is getting dragged down that rat hole. It’s really tempting to want to respond to anger with anger, and to hurt with hurt. Maybe Ben feels like Lucia has the free time for a vacation that he craves but can’t get in his high-pressure job as a CPA. Maybe Ben is envious of Lucia’s free time. I don’t know. Maybe Ben feels angry because he thinks Lucia is selfish. But why? He’s not living her life, doesn’t know how much the kids dreamed about going, and anyway, how does Lucia living her best life with the kids at Disney World hurt Ben?
No one knows but Ben. But what’s clear is that he’s angry, and usually behind anger somewhere is pain. That pain is gripping and twisting Ben, and that’s sad. The saddest thing is that until Ben opens up to the idea that Lucia is a real person with feelings, and feelings that may have been deeply hurt by his anger, there will be nothing but a cycle of anger.
Ben is becoming what Eastern philosophy calls a “hungry ghost.” Hungry ghosts feed on negative emotions they accumulated in life but are always hungry. In such philosophy, hungry ghosts are the last stage of spiritual devolution before a soul disappears forever from existence.
If you can change your perspective to see things that way, it’s easier to be compassionate and kind, and that is probably what Ben really needs the most.
Selfishness (William)
William is not only behaving immaturely; he’s endangering Mom’s safety and security. Given his disregard for the well-being of his own mother, there aren’t a lot of good options. Since Mom is still living at home, there’s probably no practical way to keep William out. But if Mom’s got dementia, as her legal Guardian or POA you may be able to relocate her to a secure facility where William can’t just do what he pleases, including stealing her jewelry and cash. While the move might not be justified based solely on the progress of Mom’s dementia, it might enhance her safety and you’re at least legally in a position to take action.
Depending on Mom’s assets, you may be able to get her into an assisted living facility that can help her “age gracefully” into greater care while providing the security Mom needs.
Short of hiring a security guard, changing the locks or some other dramatic action that’s sure to set William off on an angry tear, I’m not sure there are many better options.
Finally, lock down Mom’s assets so that William has NO access to them, and call a lawyer. Because you may need one to get William to stop abusing Mom.
Control (Vera)
People like Vera are truly miserable to work around; but it is just possible that buried deep down in the back of her mind are legitimate reasons for wanting to exert control. One is that Vera may be concerned that some or all of Mom’s health or other issues are being overlooked. If so, talk to Vera and ask what her concerns are. Be VERY clear that you’re just looking for her CONCERNS, not her plan for treating them—as caregiver, that’s up to you. Listen to Vera and write down those concerns, and promise her that you’ll get back to her with a plan. She’ll probably be genuinely surprised to be listened to.
The second issue is with Vera’s wish to be calling the shots. She may feel like she’s better informed to make decisions because of her PhD in psychology, or because she’s wealthy and better at managing Mom’s financial resources than you are. Try NOT to get into the mindset that Vera’s second-guessing you, and consider that she may actually want to be helpful. It actually doesn’t matter that Vera thinks she can do a better job of taking care of Mom, since for one reason or another, you’re the caregiver. If Vera actually were…well, reference the Pride section above. 🙂
Envy (Susan)
Susan needs to stay in her own lane. The fact that Mom picked her to look after her affairs doesn’t make her the arbiter of other people’s assets. I mentioned boundaries earlier, and one person crossing into another person’s personal life and finances are a BIG red flag for me. Even if you WERE Mom’s caregiver, you have your life to live and your future to look after. If it makes you feel better to do something nice for Mom, then do it. But don’t do it because Susan thinks you should, expects you to, or is angry at you for not doing so. There will be no end to Susan’s demands, and it will cause a lot more pain than drawing boundaries will.
If Susan is really making a mess of things, won’t admit she’s in over her head, and Mom’s suffering as a result of it, sure, you can look into legal options centered around your concern for Mom’s health and safety, but like it or not, Susan’s the one tagged with Mom’s care, and the fact that her jealousy over your financial independence or freedom to do was you want is more about Susan than it is about you.
You may never be able to reconcile with Susan after drawing boundaries. And that’s probably just as well…as we say in Texas, “you can’t negotiate with a rattlesnake.”
Indifference (Sam)
It’s sad, but in a kind of way, okay that Sam’s checked out. He’s drawn his boundaries in a very tight circle around his own pain, and they’re boundaries he won’t cross. He’s done what he knows he needed to do to pinch off the pain and stop feeling hurt…sort of. No doubt Sam knows that the only way back to truly not hiring is to work through the hurt.
Sam probably feels isolated as a result of his own actions, but too stubborn to walk back from the precipice he’s taken himself to. You, on the other hand, can reach out to Sam and let him know that while you aren’t going to sort through his dirty laundry, you haven’t given up on him and are there for him.
If the issue’s between Sam and Dad, it’s probably never going to get sorted out. But you can point out to Sam that Dad’s no longer the man he got sideways with, but a helpless little boy stuck in a mentally hobbled old man. Tell Sam—because it’s true—that forgiving Dad is not about letting Dad be right or forgetting past wrongs, but rather about Sam letting go of what is weighing him down.
Forgiveness
When people feel sinned against, often the last thing they want to do is forgive. They feel like it’s a get-out-of-jail-free card for people who hurt them and a license to bulldoze over their emotions. On the contrary, forgiveness isn’t a gift to the “sinner.” It’s a gift to the forgiver, a lightning of the load, and a willingness to acknowledge and move on.
If drawing borders means treating family like strangers, that’s not so bad. So be it. It’s easier to be kind to strangers than it is in a relationship where there’s a lot of baggage.
So let go of the baggage. Many deep, old wounds can still be healed if we are willing to be kind, to be compassionate, and to walk in the light.
