Posts by admingrf
Mom takes forever to say anything, and it’s frustrating Dad
Mom likes to talk. The problem–and it’s been this way for a LO-O-NG time–is that it takes her FOREVER to say anything, she repeats herself and gets mentally lost a lot of the time, and sometimes just kind of forgets where’s she’s going. Dad’s been with her for going on 60 years now, and on a good day, he’ll just finish her sentences. On a worse day, he’ll tell her she’s remembering things wrong. On a really bad day, he’ll just get quietly frustrated and walk into another room to take a nap while she finishes her story. I don’t know how to deal with Dad’s behavior, but I think it’s part of the problem. Doesn’t he realize Mom has Alzheimer’s or some other kind of memory impairment? I can’t believe they’ve let it go this long without doing something. Or maybe he DOES know and doesn’t want to acknowledge it’s real. I don’t know what to do. They’re still living independently, but Dad’s not in good health and I keep worrying about what will happen to Mom when he dies.
Read MoreWhat should I take on visits to see Dad at his dementia home?
Dear Grassflower: I know this is kind of a trivial question, but I visit Dad at his dementia home kind of regularly, and it’s pretty obvious he’s not the guy he used to be. He really doesn’t understand even the most mildly engaging conversation, and we can only talk for so long about the weather. I feel like as his mind fades away, I’m filling the void with nonsense and trivia, and it’s driving me insane. I need something for us to DO! I’m sure I also need a mental adjustment but I don’t know where to start!- Rob K., Maryland
Read MoreWhat should I take when I move Mom to assisted living?
Dear Grassflower: I’m planning this month to move Mom to assisted living. Previously, she and Dad lived in a 1500 sq. ft. house, but the rooms at assisted living are only about 250 sq. ft. She’s already allowed me to clear out some of her stuff in preparation for the move, but I don’t know how I’m going to reduce everything she owns by 6x! Please help!
– Alice B., Nebraska
Read MoreShould I tell Mom she has Alzheimer’s?
Dear Grassflower: My question is simple…perhaps too simple, because I have been struggling with every possible angle of it. Should I tell my mom she has Alzheimer’s? She’s in the early stages and was just diagnosed, but didn’t really understand the diagnosis and I’m not sure if or how she’ll accept it. And what if she does know? It’s not going to make things better, and it’s just one more thing she can’t control that she would just worry about. Really looking for some guidance here, thanks.
Read MoreI feel like whatever I do for Dad, it isn’t enough.
Dear Grassflower: Mom used to be a private person. But after her dementia diagnosis, she took to loudly badmouthing other races or nationalities, talking about her bowel movements, or something else equally unwelcome. Now, she’s cussing at the dog, telling the great-grands they’re “ugly little trolls” (one cried), and more. I don’t know how to explain to little kids that Mom’s off the reservation, and it breaks my heart that she probably can’t be trusted around anyone. Right now she’s living with my husband and me, but that won’t last, and it’s going to be a s***show when we have to move her to a home. Please help.
Read MoreMom’s personality changed, and not in a good way.
Dear Grassflower: Mom used to be a private person. But after her dementia diagnosis, she took to loudly badmouthing other races or nationalities, talking about her bowel movements, or something else equally unwelcome. Now, she’s cussing at the dog, telling the great-grands they’re “ugly little trolls” (one cried), and more. I don’t know how to explain to little kids that Mom’s off the reservation, and it breaks my heart that she probably can’t be trusted around anyone. Right now she’s living with my husband and me, but that won’t last, and it’s going to be a s***show when we have to move her to a home. Please help.
Read MoreDad eats nothing but junk food.
Dear Grassflower: Dad has dementia and often says or does embarrassing things in public. Since I can’t take him out to eat any more, our outings have been to places like Sonic and McDonald’s. The problem is, now he won’t eat anything else. I’ve tried ordering pick-up from places like Applebee’s or Chinese take-out, but all Dad wants is tater tots and ice cream. I feel like he’s not getting enough nutrition, but if I order something that’s actually good for him, he won’t eat it. What should I do?
Read MoreWhat should I do with Mom at family gatherings?
Dear Grassflower: It’s been a year since Dad passed away and Mom was diagnosed with dementia…and I don’t think my sibs have processed it. My sister wants to do a big family gathering and has gotten all wrapped up in the symbolism of it being the first get-together since Dad died. As Mom’s caregiver, I can tell you she hates noise and crowds. She gets tired, confused, and generally doesn’t enjoy these big to-dos, and I can’t seem to get my sister to understand that. I don’t want to have to be blunt with her, but I will if I have to. Thoughts?
Read MoreMom / Dad wears too little / too much / the wrong thing / the wrong way / for too long.
TLDR: Mom or Dad is dressing (or not) bizarrely, and it make him, her, or somebody else really uncomfortable.
I’ve gotten a lot of questions lately about clothes. For instance, Mom wears the same outfit for weeks until she smells like a homeless person. Dad walks around in public in nothing but his undershorts. Your husband won’t take off what he was wearing last week when he puts on a new outfit and now looks like a polar explorer. Your wife has her bra on the outside and/or backwards. Here’s some general advice about what’s going on and what to do about it.
Read MoreAre you a “toxic” caregiver?
On the best days, taking care of Mom or Dad is a blessing. You get more time with them to see them as an adult and appreciate them for the sometimes messed-up human being they are. And sometimes, if you’re honest with yourself, the psychological burden of care can bend your own life out of shape and be harmful to others. You probably don’t even notice when it’s happening.
Here are some warning signs.
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