Ask Grassflower Columns
My folks are getting swindled by a renter.
After the last kids moved out, Mom and Dad have rented out the spare bedrooms along the lines of AirB&B. Recently, though, they were approached by a young woman who said she wanted to escape an abusive husband. She pays rent, but it’s a new crisis every week, often costing more than the rent. Dad’s a softie for sad stories, so he’s bought her groceries, blankets, and so on. Last week she asked Dad for $600 for car repairs. After he hesitated, I saw her lifting Dad’s credit card while he took a nap. Dad’s getting drained of cash, and it’s got to be a few thousand dollars by now. My folks are easy prey, and I’m trying to figure out how to stop the grifting. Please help.
Read MoreMom’s church asked me not to bring her anymore.
Mom’s faith has always been important to her; and until now, it’s been her one chance to get out and go somewhere she loves. But lately, she behaves inappropriately–loud talking, singing the wrong hymn, or just not making sense. She’s been asked to leave the service because her behavior is disruptive. It upsets her to get “thrown out”, and she often gets obsessed with some point raised in the sermon and won’t let go of it. Last Sunday, the preacher said “the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect,” and Mom spent the whole afternoon trying to “get the house ready for him.” This can’t go on. What should I do?
Read MoreDad gets upset when I leave.
Dad’s been in dementia care for 6 years. He’s still able to talk—mostly, so I can tell how he feels. And lately, he’s been…clingy. When I tell him I have to leave, he makes up a reason to stay, or he insists he should go with me. We repeat this ritual every visit, and it often takes me an hour and a half before I can actually get out the door. By then, it’s late, I’m exhausted, and I feel like I don’t have time to unwind. I know Dad won’t be around much longer, which makes me feel horrible for telling him I have to go. I’m having trouble drawing the line between what’s good for Dad and what’s mentally healthy for me. Thoughts?
Read MoreNervous about visiting Dad after moving him to dementia care
Three weeks ago my husband and I moved my Dad to dementia care. He was lost and confused when we pulled up outside and a nurse helped him out of the car, but I think at some level he knew he wasn’t going home. I felt like a horrible person when we drove away to sort through the house and figure out what to keep or sell. I wanted to cry. I feel like all the little “therapeutic lies” we told him to get him to agree to the move were hardly worth the pain and guilt. I feel like a horrible traitor to everything Dad stood for. I keep telling myself, “at least he is safe now”, but it feels empty. Now we’re planning a visit and I don’t know what to say or do.
Read MoreMom keeps wanting to go home.
Mom was diagnosed with dementia about four months ago after it was clear she couldn’t continue living at home. Miracle of miracles, my husband and I managed to get her moved to our house without too much trouble. We told her we wanted her to visit us for a while and she settled in nicely. But now, all of a sudden, she’s been talking about wanting to “go home.” I’m not sure if this is just a phase, but she’s been persistent about it for the last few days and I’m wondering if there’s something I should be doing. Any thoughts?
Read MoreMom refuses help living at home, and I can see how this ends.
Mom’s declining mentally but has managed so far to continue living at home. She accepted my help with finances. But when I’ve asked her to let me hire a maid or yard service, she says it’s too expensive or “I don’t need help!” Yes, she does! The inside of the house looks like a tornado hit it, and the yard is full of weeds, tall grass, rusted lawn furniture, and garbage. She’s been cited for local code violations multiple times. She also refuses in-home care, and I feel powerless to ease her into any kind of dementia care. But I feel like if I wait too long, Mom’s going to end up with a code enforcement lien that will make it difficult to sell her house when she has to move to dementia care.
Read MoreMom lives very far away. How can I help my sister take care of her?
Growing up, our family was always tightly knit, and my sister and I still have a very strong bond. She lives in San Francisco and takes care of Mom, who lives in a dementia home nearby. About ten years ago, I moved to Boston, and it’s been harder and harder to see Mom. I visit when I can, but I want to be more helpful and I don’t want my sister to feel like I’m abandoning her to take care of Mom. Any suggestions?
Read MoreSister is draining mom’s bank accounts.
My sister is playing a dangerous game with our well-to-do Mom. She knows Mom’s in the early stages of dementia and can’t keep track of her own finances. Sister has been telling Mom how her granddaughter Lyndi is now driving age and needs a new car. We’re not talking cheap either! Sister is counting on being able to dupe Mom into spending lavishly to please her granddaughter. Grassflower, Mom WORKED for her money. I think my sister is just being manipulative and selfish. What’s going to happen when Mom really needs the money to pay for her own care? I feel like she’s being taken to the cleaners!
Read MoreHow do I talk to Mom’s doc about her dementia when she’s sitting right there?
So here’s my problem: I’m pretty sure Mom has dementia, but we aren’t acknowledging that openly. I want her to go to the doctor, but she won’t make appointments or keeps putting them off. The one time I managed to get her to go, Momma went in alone and didn’t remember a thing the doctor said. When I asked, the office staff replied that I wasn’t on the HIPAA release form. If I try to go in WITH Mom, the doctor doesn’t seem to understand that if Mom’s not mentally right, it doesn’t make sense to tell HER as much as me, because I’m the one who’s going to have to take care of her. But none of that matters if I can’t privately get the diagnosis from her doctor without upsetting her!
Read MoreMom used to be a “talker.” Not any more.
Mom’s had dementia for going on three years. She was always a conversationalist. We’d have long talks at night, and she could discuss ANYTHING until we were both too tired to keep going. Even after her diagnosis, she could talk, though less and less of it made sense. I know she has dementia, but it still felt like she was “there” in a way. Now when I visit, she just stares out the window, like she’s a million miles away. I know it’s just the disease, but it feels like a big BAD change. What should I expect and how do I deal with it?
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