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The 7 Deadly Sibs: toxic family relationships and dementia caregiving
Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of feedback from fellow dementia caregivers about strained family relationships that only got more toxic as the matriarch or patriarch who held the family together fell into decline and the care of parents fell to one of the siblings. One thing that seems particularly distasteful about this whole mess is that it falls into predictable patterns that I call the “Seven Deadly Sibs.” While no doubt some legitimate rationale lies behind each of these tropes, the sheer tone-deafness and astounding lack of sympathy for caregivers make them worthy of illustration.
Read MoreDad leaves the refrigerator door open all night!
My dad is in his late 70s and has dementia. It’s not that bad, but we moved him in with us a few years ago just to keep him safe. The problem is, he gets up at night and wanders into the kitchen for a snack. Sometimes he gets one, sometimes not. But he will walk up to the fridge, open the door, and just stare at it for 20 minutes. After that, he walks away, leaving the door open. Yesterday I had to throw out some chicken I had thawing for dinner because everything in the fridge was like 50 degrees! How do I stop this?
Read MoreDad knows he has dementia. What should I tell him?
My dad has early onset dementia, so apart from the usual, he’s pretty lucid. He used to be a CPA, and while he can no longer even balance his own checkbook and can’t be trusted to drive without getting lost, he knew something was “off” even before I did. I took him to a neurologist, who ran some tests and made the diagnosis. Dad was super chill about adding me to his checking account and signing papers for POA, and even told me how he wanted his care administered. It was a good call. It’s a year later, he’s slipping downhill a bit more, and everything is in place. But here’s the problem: Dad was super open with me about his dementia, and I feel like I’m betraying him when I hold back info about how bad it’s getting. What to share? What NOT to?
Read MoreMom’s gone off the deep end!
Mom’s had dementia for some time now and lives in home. I knew it was time to move her there when she was getting lost in her own house, leaving food in the microwave for days, and no longer knew how to drive her car. But lately, things have gotten worse. She thinks there are little people living in a secret room (her closet) who steal her chocolates and move things around when she’s not looking. And she talks gibberish! I’m wondering how much of this can be addressed vs accepting it as the new, screwed-up normal. It’s more than a little unsettling, to both Mom AND me.
Read MoreMom’s a “walker”, has fallen, and it’s scaring me.
Mom was diagnosed with dementia about a year and a half ago but still lives at home, as it’s not that far advanced and someone is always with her. She walks…A LOT. Not to the mailbox or the kitchen, but aimless walking. I’ll ask her what she needs, and she’ll say “nothing.” If I ask where she’s going, she doesn’t know. What scares me is that she’s fallen 4 times in 2 months, and one of them broke her wrist. I got her Hipsters so she doesn’t break a hip, but the thought that I have to watch her 24×7 to make sure she doesn’t break a bone is freaking me out.
Read MoreI feel exhausted and heartbroken taking care of my husband.
DH was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s early last year. He used to be the “organizer” and paid bills, kept the house in order, etc. Since then, it’s been all I can do to cook, clean, feed him, pay the bills, keep the car running, and make sure he takes his meds. He, on the other hand, seems happily disconnected from the worries of the world, though I know that’s not the reality. We used to be very close, but since I became his caregiver, something’s changed, and I feel bad that mostly I feel alone, heartbroken (for him), and, if I’m honest, resentful for feeling cheated out of living my own life. I know I need some kind of therapy but good luck finding time for that.
Read MoreDad’s a holy terror.
Neither Mom nor Dad can care for themselves anymore. When Mom’s mental health declined, she took well to living in a memory home, and before Dad’s dementia diagnosis, my dad was a quiet family man. He never raised his voice or got temperamental about anything. Now for some reason, he shouts at everyone. I’ve never seen an old man so upset, and I’m wondering if it’s just decades of repressed anger or if it’s something to do with the disease. I’ve talked to friends whose parents had dementia, and none of them report this kind of behavior. What’s actually going on here?
Read MoreWhat should I talk about on my visits with Mom when most of what she says is repetitive nonsense?
My mom lives in a dementia home nearby, and I visit her twice a week. She’s a real talker, but most of what she says is repetitive, fragmented, and doesn’t make sense. It’s hard to just sit there listening to her babbling, but when I try to guide the conversation, it backfires sometimes. For instance, if I bring up what my sister is doing, she thinks it’s HER sister (who died 6 years ago) and asks why she hasn’t visited. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a squirrel! I’d appreciate any tips for how to talk to Mom or at least spend the time in a way she can enjoy.
Read MoreMom has dementia. Dad’s too sick to take are of her.
Mom and Dad live at home. Mom has dementia, and up until a few months ago, Dad’s taken care of her: paying the bills, reminding her to take her meds, driving her to doctor’s appointments, etc. Dad’s respiratory problems have gotten worse, to the point where he passes out even when he has his oxygen tank. His doctors have taken him off his meds and told him to make the best of his remaining time. He’s worried about Mom and has talked to her about moving into assisted living so they can continue to be together, but Mom absolutely refuses and keeps saying she’d rather die in her own home. I feel like this situation is unsustainable. What can I do about it?
Read MoreMom thinks everything is fine. It’s not.
Where to start? 84 yo Mom lives at home. House looks like bomb went off inside. Food lying everywhere for days, mounds of clutter (trip hazard), and she doesn’t even know the cat poops on the stovetop. Food spoiled in fridge, doesn’t remember how to microwave things. The problem is, when I offer to help clean up the clutter, throw out old food, or have a maid come in once a week, she refuses and says “everything’s fine.” No, it’s not. How do I convince her to accept help when she doesn’t think she needs it?!
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